The Shame of a Second [Third, Four…] Chance


Believe or not, today I woke up from a dream over two decades long. I can tell you when it started and how it ends, but I cannot tell you when I felt asleep. Definitely, something happened that started this chain of events that brought me here today. Before that, I never imagined I will waste precious time just like that.

Be clear, I did not say I wasted my life because it was not like that. I simply had great and bad times during this gray period. Before the dream started, I had things to look forward to, but nobody in view. I was in need of company and surrendered without thinking twice about it. I was able to play my strong ways out, but now I understand that I am as lonely as I once was.

The difference is that now I am surrounded by others holding me back. Before I was free and able to take whatever the day presented. Many times, I took decisions without thinking about the consequences and was lucky enough to finish on the other side without major loses. I was the only one that felt sorry for myself and I wanted it that way.

Now, I just flow from one day to another with a routine that is not mine, but someone else’s, without great expectations. As they say, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If I do not take myself back I will continue in this endless cycle, trap without nothing else to want.

During all of these years I had great moments of joy related to you, but I really did not feel them as that. You are the constant reminder of what I wanted and thought I had. In reality, we take the worst out of each other, but we are great at covering it up. Most of the time you do not want to get here and I do not want you to be here.

At some point I will need to start thinking just about me once again and stop enabling you. For some reason, I do not know when I felt in love and at the same time I do not know when I stopped loving you. Be honest, its been years since the last time you looked at me and thought you love me. Now we are just life partners, but I enjoy every moment of it and I can see us together for many winters to come.

Its been a long time since you woke up in the morning happy because I was there and came back as soon as you can, to be with me. I know it is in partly my fault because I got lost in the mists of the day, but I never knew what you really wanted from me. Situations has kept us together, but we are ready to start a new vicious cycle.

By now you already found another replacement to make you feel wanted and supposedly love. Why did I say supposedly? Because I know it is not real. You are just living once again the best part of every relationship. The courtship with the spice that you can be caught at any moment. For you, I am simply the one that is always there making your life agonizing. The constant topic of your hidden conversations.

Yes, I know and I have tried ignoring its reality for many years and months. I know easily when you are slipping away from me because you start paying attention to me. When you try to cover up your thoughts with your actions I know it is someone else getting your attention. As always my first step is to try to get more information.

Information to be use to bring you back to this boring life in which we make each other miserable. A life that you try to escape many times, but that I had blocked for you to stay. I really did not understood why until now. I am definitely used to being with you and you simply do not know how to get rid of me.

Why? because I have been enabling you all this years. You are afraid of losing what society considers correct and do not have the courage to step into a different arena at this time in your life. In reality, we both have more to lose than gain if we decide to split apart. I know you always tell them that everything is over and that you do not want me.

I am almost sure you cannot believe what I am writing since is not the first time you heard these words. The difference is that this time I am discourage to start fighting again. Its been more than ten years since the last time and I thought everything was better by now, until I realized your were just trying to cover up once again.

I always tell you to stop and forget about them and we can stay together and fix things again, but this time things are different. I am tired of pretending I do not know you are bored with me and are wanting someone else. I do not feel like competing with someone knowing I will not be able to take over.

I know my indifference is responsible partially for this, but unfortunately I can no longer hide my lack of commitment with something I am just used too. Telling you this will affect not just you and me, but a big group of people that expect the best from us. I am not taking any steps because for many years I am the one guiding us.

As I told you many times, I do not want to keep dragging you around. I am tired of being the bad one, the one that does not love you or want you. Definitely, nothing I say to you will make any difference since you probably stopped thinking about these words way before this line. You are probably trying to think of a way to answer back to me. That is why I do not want you to acknowledge these words for a couple of days.

I will only ask you for one thing. Take the time to listen to this again, understand what I feel and where I am coming from. Once again it is not easy to let you go since you know this is the second [third, four…] time I have done this. Before, we supposedly were able to fix things and move on, but in reality we did nothing, but falling back in the same place with a different person.

Since I started going out with you formally, I stopped any interaction with anyone around. Why? I do not know, but I wanted to be what you wanted. Unfortunately with the passing of the years I am just what you want to get rid of, but now it is not just me, but the tribe that follows. They are the only reason, and you know it is true, that you stay here.

Together with a mix of what we both thought we had at some point on the road. I really do not think we ever understood what the other wanted from life. I am almost sure that you never really knew me and that I do not know you either. We just walked the path together hoping for the best.

I do not want to let you go, but I do need to realize that you a left long time ago. The most I can get will be another chance to be me and see if it is really right for us. I am not going to keep holding back what I think in order to retain you. I will jump and build my wings on my way.

I think this time I am just going to step forward and tell you what I think to finally stop this unnecessary cycle. I need to stop looking aside.

“This is not the first time you cheat on me during all this years. Please do not tell me that I am wrong because you will be degrading yourself. Do not tell me that it was just a fling and that nothing happened between the two of you. I know it did and I also know you have the hopes that it will happen again.

I am sure this time you are almost there again, if I am not too late. It took me time to admit that I failed to keep you here. I understand I cannot give you that sensation of new love and that I am not the best at it, but everything I am and know I owe to you.”

I am currently fading to a separate world, away from you to ignore our reality. I am sure you have your version of the story and may not be as I see it. From my part, I have nothing more to say. I will stay here in my little world when you fool around once again in hopes you take the best decision because I know we can have one last dance. I just wish you can be as honest as I have been.

Please listen to this words with peace in your heart,

~ Liz

(San Juan, 1999)


About Luke

     MY [PLATONIC] RELATIONSHIP WITH LUKE has extended for over a decade. It has been as important as the air I breathe every time I ask about “what if”. The sad part is that I know now we are destined to be walking separate paths. You may ask, why? And the answer is simple; I am not the only one that feels this way about him. Luke Christensen is the perfect listener, friend and confident a thirty something woman can have. At the same time, he cannot be only mine. He is everyone’s prince charming and we all deserve a piece of him. No matter what is happening he is always there for you. He knows your story and the lament of your soul. He always has the correct words for every circumstance and will remember every small detail related to your heart aches. The way his caramel hair dances with the soft breeze is a reminder of his perfection. His soft hands touching delicately your face are like a camera rolling on slow motions. Time feels slow and days turn into weeks without effort. He represents what every adolescent wants; a first, pure romance always available, always sincere and yours. At least for those minutes shared between visits and seconds never wasted within his arms. The craving for more that always surges with only evoking his sense.

     This may sound impossible, but it is more than real for me and many others. I cannot imagine him alone, without a person to enjoy the pleasure of his company. For me, he is the reminder of my youth, of my silly dreams of great achievements and my search for love. He is the opportunity of having the perfect love to show the world without the worries of change and abandonment. A soft and always present voice that fills me with the hope of a past that planned for a future never reached, but always wanted. Luke’s voice sweetens my present with a picture of a better present. It allows me to get loose and dream about the opportunities life presents. He returns the life to this body that has moved around the world in a decade long trance without a destiny. I now walk around waiting for the opportunity to regain myself; to get that moment in which I will wake up from this long wait. The moment I planned and dreamt about so many times when growing up on a world in which time is never enough and the future never comes.

More to Come…

A Touch in the Past

     Many summers had passed since the last time I wrote to you. It is not that we have not been in touch, it is that, once again…you make me feel. Is a sensorial attraction…is remembering your breath on my neck; the touch of your skin against mine. The way our hands interlock when we walk together thru ethereal fields. Our conspiracy to cover this from others; the way we acted when others witnessed. I am having problems putting my words together. In the past, I wrote from an innocent perspective that you did not take away. Now, I still think what if…you did. You were close, but never there. Now it is difficult to explain that you are still causing me to have the same feelings. Something pure, something innocent that I wish will take me away. I cannot get too personal for the worry that someone else can read this letter, but I still hope you know that you started all this the same way my life was stopped before. Years ago, I stepped into someone else skin because of you. I started to feel and live as a different person. Even with you, I pretended to be someone new. I do not know how it happened. I do not know why I changed. I can only say that I heard your voice again and understood that I can no longer live like this. I still remember the first time I saw you and it really did not make a difference to me. However, I cannot take you out of my mind since the first time I put eyes on you. Or should I say? Since the moment I put my arms around you. I miss the way you make me feel about myself. I think about you and remember how I was, the dreams and the shine of my days. I feel like I am in love again. In love with life and myself, making stories in my mind that have never happened or are never going to happen.

     Just like before…we cannot be together. I am at fault this time. I cannot just let go, but I wish you understand and stay close to nurture my fantasies and guard my dreams. How I can explain to you that you are still in my mind, but not in my heart. I really do not think you were never there. You and I never existed; we were just a beautiful mirage. You live thru my eyes sweeten my thoughts. When I look back, I think this never happened that I just imagined it. Now, I am just waiting for a confirmation that all this was real, at least for me.